Where have I been?

I have been trying to convince myself that life is worth it even when all your dreams dissipate like smoke.

My horse is sold... I no longer have the energy or strength to ride.

My car is sold... I am not allowed to drive.

I found out that Purdue's tech program was interested in me... but I haven't the stamina for school or the kind of work that requires.

My world consists of the apartment, because I shouldn't go out alone in case something happens.

Most days are pain and exhaustion as we (my slew of doctors and I) try to figure out what medications will give me some semblance of normal.

The other days are pain and enough energy to do dishes and barely stay on top of domestic chores.

Imagine that every day you are give ten tickets. You are allowed to exchange one ticket for each thing you do every day. One ticket for a shower, one ticket for playing with your child, one ticket for a load of laundry. Once your tickets are spent, that's it. You're done for the day. You can borrow against tomorrow's tickets, but you'll pay for it with two days in bed, plus less tickets when you finally can get up. So every day you have to figure out what won't get accomplished. And you'll rarely get things you want to done, just the things that need to be done.
I'm not telling you this for sympathy. (although I won't lie; sometimes I do feel sorry for myself, although mostly I'm just so angry and frustrated. I miss the girl who could walk a mile without an issue and then train her horse for an hour.) I'm telling you this so you'll understand.
I'm also telling you this to remind myself that I am grateful for those ten tickets. Some days I don't even get one, and I'm ridiculously pleased when I can cash in ten tickets and still have energy left over to play fetch and chase with my crazy cat.

To make a long, every day and dreary story short; I have been depressed, and trying to reclaim some of my hope and willingness to plan for the future. If only life's bumps would have some space to breathe and recover before something else is thrown at you.

I took so much for granted. Grocery shopping is a workout for me; I used to play soccer, for heaven's sake! Now walking all those aisles wears me out!

Shan says we simply have to adjust our expectations. If I spend every day lamenting what I don't have or can't do, I can't live now. So I am trying to slowly come to acceptance with my life as it is. I forgive myself, most of the time, if I need a nap after cleaning a bathroom. I am looking for ways to be useful so I don't feel like a bump on a log. Hence, I've started knitting preemie hats for the local hospitals. And I'm looking into getting certified as an animal nutritionist so I can do consultations with people on my own time.

More days than not, life feels too hard. But I am hoping and praying that soon there will be more days with sunshine than rain.

'Quel