If You Can't Say Something Nice

I think, mostly, that I don't post because I am angry and depressed and tired so often that I cannot say anything nice to say about myself. I don't mean for that to sound as selfish as it will so I'll try to explain.

A blog is inherently a little bit vain. I'll even just say mine so I won't presume upon anybody. My blog is about me and my life and my adventures and the people I know and care about and etc. You get it. I'm so blessed and happy to have people interested in those things but I'll admit it can feel really selfish. And for a long time I wrote what I considered to be a good amount. When I started I was younger and in college with plans for my life and a future and I was truly, honestly, hopeful. And I think my writing reflected that. Even the bad things were kind of glossed over because I didn't want to subject a reader to my dirt.

But as life took turns in places I didn't expect, through some really scary and ,yes, fucked up places, I was torn. Obviously life throws curve balls, but if I couldn't find the sunshine for at least an even ratio of good to bad blog posts, then I wasn't happy to share a constant stream of darkness with the world. I'd lost a lot of my hope.

I want to be a real person with scars and failings and triumphs that maybe help others and inspire them. I want so badly to keep posting because I love to write and I love to communicate. I want to be authentic about what I go through but I rarely have anything nice to say about myself as I muddle through what feels like tattered remains. And that isn't fair to myself, or you.

This post isn't grand or filled with promises or even an ending or a beginning. In fact, I'm not even sure what to do with what I've told you, but I wanted you to know that I haven't given up. Life is really difficult right now, and I feel like the world's biggest burden/loser, and I don't know whether it's stubbornness or courage or something as yet unnamed, but I haven't stopped fighting.

And I guess that's the point. I'm not going to say unkind things about myself, and I'm not going to stop fighting.

'Quel