To Guys

Dear Guys,

The days of mommy and daddy picking out some eligible young woman while you sit around are gone. But even though you know this, you have been doing all the wrong things when interacting with women.

(Now, some of you have been doing the right things, which is when you graduate to man status, but for those of you who are 'guys', well, you don't know who you are but you will shortly.)

I am here to inform you of some glaring mistakes you make. Since you can't seem to get it through your heads that these tried and untrue methods get you nowhere, least of all into bed with me, I'll be straight with you. Woman to guy.

-Referring to my backside as a 'sweet thing', 'hot ass' or generally discussing it's plump to firm ratio while declaring you'd 'tap that' will you get nowhere but a glare at best and an introduction to my gun toting father at worst. Admire if you will but keep your mouth shut*.

-Slipping in what you think are cleverly disguised sexual innuendos while talking to me are anything BUT clever or disguised.
Ex.

Girl: Excuse me, but can you tell me where the apples are?
Sales Guy: Right in front of you, bay-beh.
Girl: *blank stare*
Sales Guy: You know, on your chest?
Girl: Can you just tell me where the apples are?
Sales Guy: Can you handle my package? *snorts*
Girl: Nevermind. I'll just find them myself.

-I know breasts are fascinating. I don't know WHY, although it has been suggested that it has something to do with a mother complex (very Freudian, I think). All I know is, I CAN TELL WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO MY BREASTS AND NOT MY EYES!
And by eyes I do not mean nipples. I admit that girls often make it hard for you to focus on our faces when we wear cleavage baring shirts. But I cannot tell you how often I am wearing a t-shirt and my yuckiest jeans and a guy will STILL stare at my chest.
We don't go around staring at your family jewels. How would YOU like it if we ... ex nay on that, you probably would like it. *sigh* Just do us all a favour and try to control the raging hormones a tad.

-My name is Raquel. Hers might be Mary or Sue or Jamie. The point is, unless we have previously discussed some cutesy nickname, don't call me baby, sweetie, sweet thing, girl, babe, hot mamma, etc. If we haven't agreed on said nickname it just looks like you can't remember my name, or I'm interchangeable in a long line of women. And for heaven's sake don't yell 'hey you' in my general direction. Girls love it when you use our name.
Not that nicknames don't have their place, right little man? ;-)

Most of all keep in mind that if you don't want to end up a permanent chauvinistic loser, practice common courtesy and politeness with women. We'll be very appreciative.

*The exception to this rule is if you are already in a relationship and your girl doesn't mind. But that's girl-dependent.