Life Changes

I am trying to reconcile my feelings. Or perhaps I am just trying to understand that you can feel different, opposing emotions at once.

Every morning I wake up and I feel like I am living in a dream. Jake makes me feel like that; he is caring, there for me 100% and a piece of stability in my life. I love to make him smile, to watch his handsome green eyes light up when I do something silly. He is everything I didn't know I wanted, but now can't live without. Better yet, he is what I need. I love him, and that is surprising. I don't give my heart easily.
So in that way, I am a very lucky girl. (as he is a lucky man. :p)

But there has been a lot of emotional strife going on in my life, too. My family is going through some really rough times right now. Oftentimes people think that because my dad is back from his deployments that everything is a-okay. It doesn't work like that. He missed so much. His last deployment was eleven months. Imagine missing eleven months of your family's life and trying to fit back in. The fibers of our lives have changed and he struggles.
At the same time, those of us who were left behind struggle to understand the new person in our life. He's my dad, but he isn't who he was before. This cliche is true; War changes people. I love him as much as I ever did, but it's hard to know him.
It hurts to watch my family split at the seams. I see how much my mother struggled while dad was gone, how lonely and tired she became. She wanted my dad home but now that he is, the struggle continues. That would wear anyone out and my mother has the patience of a saint.
I see my sisters dealing with emotional issues of separation and isolation. My brother has lived without a father and is trying to deal with becoming his own person while still holding onto his family.

Sometimes I indulge myself in thinking of how our lives weren't fair. It's a silly pastime, though, and for now I just pray and try to hold onto the people I love.

'Quel