Simply putting my pen to paper to write about feeling insecure makes me appear insecure.
And yet I am.
There are very few things I feel secure in in this world.
At my lowest point I doubt that those I love even like me. I worry that I will never live up to my family's expectations. Some days I feel that they are waiting for me to fall, to stumble and break.
Recently I had a miscommunication with my parents about something and as I drove to their house to fix it I was dry heaving and sobbing, absolutely terrified of messing up, of disappointing them.
I am very good at appearing confident, of replacing the tears I long to shed with a cocky irritation. But I am not happy about it.
I wish, I wish, I wish I didn't care so much. Why must I second guess my best friend and sweetest roomate? Why do I counter words of love and care with doubts?
Why does silence no longer settle me, but accuse?
I'm only human. I am not perfect.
And this struggle with insecurity makes me feel trite and silly.
I'm so tired.
Tired of reading in between the lines at what people are really saying.
Tired of longing for affection and being dissatisfied with the result.
Just tired, and a little lonely in my sadness.
This will pass but the battle against insecurity will never really go away. At least, not until I find the tools to fight against it.
Psalm 6:6, "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears."
Psalm 77:1-2, "When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted."
And His reply,
Isaiah 49:13, "For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones."
Isaiah 51:12, "I, even I, am He who comforts you."
Isaiah 43:1 "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!"
'Quel
2 comments:
God loves you and I love you. I know you feel unloved and unliked, but you are so blessed with the people around you regardless of how some treat you.
Keep your chin up and know that you are loved.
Raquel, I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that you're tired of longing for affection and being unsatisfied with the result. As long as we crave affection (wonderful and good a thing as it is), we will always be disappointed because no one can completely meet our needs. No one, that is, except the One who knows our needs perfectly and has abundant resources to supply for them. One of my favorite things that Augustine said is this: "You have made us for yourself, Oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." Continue to seek the heart of God and rest in the unbounded love of your Creator. I know that, at times, it seems that this divine love is an insufficient substitute for love from our fellow man. But recall how, even in the times we feel most loved and cherished by others, the glow inevitably fades and we are left looking for more affirmation, more affection. Human love just will not suffice. We are made for God and we will not be satisfied until we rest in Him.
(That was therapeutic for me to write. Thank you for allowing me a place to speak truth both to you and to myself.)
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