I am a strange person. Sometimes I want to rush ahead into the future and get to something, and sometimes I want to move backwards and fix or avoid something and sometimes I'm perfectly content to be right where I am. I feel longing and dread like a physical ache and with equal passion. I used to think I was a tad bipolar but now I've realized that I just completely throw myself wholeheartedly into things. I want to feel emotions fully. I wonder if part of that is because depression makes me so numb and I want to be the opposite of that.
This isn't even what I meant to blog about.
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
I took this quiz about the 'Keys to my Heart' which I thought was an ironic and outrageous claim. So I took it and the above quote is some of what I read.
The keys to my heart, huh? I have to wonder what those are. I know what I like, and who has touched my heart and stayed close over the years but I don't think my heart is as simple as a lock and key. I don't think anyone's heart is that simple.
Heart issues are complicated. You love someone and they hurt you and you wonder how you could have loved them ever at all. You don't even like someone, they irritate you to death and yet somehow, one day, you realize they've stolen your heart.
I think I am thinking too much, but the very complexity of humans and our interactions fascinate and intrigue me. Like, why this guy and not that one? Why this choice and not the other? How did it happen that I woke up today and realized the significance of all my decisions? Why can't I go back to yesterday when I was the most selfish person in the world and my whole world was me?
Why does regret lay a snare in the morning, and at night I am free?
I'm not being very clear with my thoughts. Am, in fact, essentially free writing away, but there you have it. A look into the mind of a girl. :-)
February, a month I often spell wrong, is here. It's the third month of fruitless job hunting, the second month of being without hardly a dime, the first month I am completely unable to pay any of my bills.
And yet, it's not all doom and gloom. It's the month before the anniversary of being with a man I love and who bosses me to no end. It's a month of being cared and provided for by my family and without fear of no place to rest my head at night. It's a month in which to enjoy the indoor pleasures of cuddling with my animals, studying and reading and loving my family.
February is often my worst month for feeling isolated, lonely and depressed. I usually try to remain private about my struggles, prefering to not blog for days or weeks while I return to normal, but talking seems to help. I feel stronger knowing I'm not truly alone.
But now, dear readers, I am tired and have to get up relatively early tomorrow.
Good night!
'Quel
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