Thoughts on Depression

I didn't realize, until I switched antidepressant medications, how much I was missing from life.

I don't know how to adequately explain to you the difference a few weeks on my new meds have made. It's like I've suddenly woken up from a dream. I'm amazed that I can get up each morning without the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's a tentative joy, a feeling I'm almost afraid to trust.

I was sleeping before compared to how I am now. I didn't realize how crippled I was.

Which is why I felt like writing a post about my perspective on depression.

I never know how to help people understand. Depression has been a part of my life for years. I wouldn’t be so open about it, except some days I can’t hide it. And I want to be real. Honestly, I do.
And I am also trying really hard not to be negative on this blog so I shy away from posting explicit details about how down and out I feel.

I’m not doing this for pity. I just want you to know. Sappy, cheesy commercials aside, depression is a real issue for a lot of people. It's debilitating.

On days I am depressed I will a) sleep in for hours and hours and not feel rested or b) not really get to sleep at all and lie in bed until I can find one reason to get out of bed.

If I manage to get out of bed sometimes I will stop in the middle of something-dressing, a shower, cleaning my room- and just freeze. Curled up on the ground, staring at nothing and I literally cannot move because it takes way too much energy to unscrew the toothpaste lid or decide between blue or bluer jeans.

I eat very little. The food I do eat tastes like nothing.

I spend most of the day trying to figure out how to get out of my own head, because it’s just too painful there.

Things I normally like to do don’t seem worth it. I can’t talk to my friends because I don’t have the energy to pretend, I don’t write, I can’t stand to pull out my camera or visit my pony. I can’t even begin to contemplate going out because the world suddenly feels tight and small and people might get too close to me.
I don’t want to be touched. Even the slightest caress makes me freeze up and shrink away.

I hate myself because of who I am when I’m depressed. I don’t want to talk and then I hate myself more because the people I love and who love me only want to help. I second guess everything. I can't make a move without feeling like it was the wrong one. So then I don't do anything at all.

Mostly I just don’t care. I don’t know how to explain to you the depths of despair, the complete and utter lack of hope that depression brings on. There really is no point to anything you do. Any good deed or bright spot, is drowned by the multitude of wrong.

Like I have said before, depression is like drowning in a bathtub. You’ve swum in the ocean, you can do the butterfly, the breastroke and doggy paddle with the best of them. But it’s not the ocean that kills you. It’s the little things. It’s the two feet of lukewarm water that suddenly pulls the world out from under you.

The worst part is knowing I’m not as strong as I could be. I am essentially useless when I’m depressed. I can’t be there for anyone, and I hate it.

But lately the episodes have been fewer and farther between. I can make plans for the future without being terrified. I'm not afraid to live.
I can breathe.
And it makes me really, genuinely happy. :-D

'Quel

P.S. And I have NOT forgotten about vegetarian recipes Marika. I want to try them out before I recommend them. :-P