Peace & Quiet

What’s with the disclaimers lately? Sheesh! You’d think a class with Housholder would’ve trained me, right? ;-)
But I feel the need to say that by its very nature a blog is kind of a ‘me, me, me’ intropsective place. So I’m sorry if you’re sick of it but I do possess a monopoly on this web space. *grins* You’ve been forewarned!
You can always go check out the Family Guy website.

Yesterday I met Hannah for coffee and she was my listening ear. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have people like Hannah and Jack and Jen and Annaliese in my life. They keep me sane when I’d rather just self-destruct.
I probably looked like an idiot sobbing in the middle of a coffee shop but I needed to talk about everything that I’ve had bottled up this week. All week long I kept thinking, ‘No, hold it in a little longer.’ I knew if I broke down I wouldn’t be able to get back up and finish out the week.
And there’s just been… so much stuff. Some little things, some big things. I feel like I’m carrying around a backpack of guilt and exhaustion and fear. I’ve just felt so heavy. Any courage I had when I made my decision to leave Taylor has been slowly seeping away. And to be honest I almost hate discussing it with some people because they can’t understand and I prefer nothing to empty comfort.

But I can’t live cut off from everyone. I have to continue to be vulnerable even if it’s not something that comes naturally anymore.

I’ve been learning a lot about myself in the last couple of days. I’m so subject to how others see me that I take it all in, good and bad. The self-evaluation has been helpful… being able to recognize what I’ve done and continue to do wrong, but also to look at my strengths has been a great help.
It wasn’t an epiphany or anything half so melodramatic. Just a quiet acceptance of who I’m becoming.
And I know I’m only twenty one (a baby still, as my big brother likes to say) but I like to think I still have something to offer, and I can still be mature and act like an adult.
I’m just an adult who likes to dance on the skyway, play pranks and dress up like a pirate. So maybe young adult would be a better term. ;-)

Christmas is now 12 days away but I am patently broke and jobless. Here's hoping and praying that one of those applications I dropped off yesterday leads to something!
Regardless, I'm going to try and accept what I can't change. I'm not apologizing for my emotions and my homesickness for Taylor, but hopefully I can get some good out of the new direction my life is taking.

Tomorrow I'll be in Upland again, for a Christmas baking party with Jack, Jen and Hannah. I'll let you know how it goes!

Much love,

'Quel