My View: Marriage

Yesterday I started to write a post entitled 'Marriage and Children' only to realize that I was pretty much writing a dissertation on the subject. So I pared it down a LOT (who knew I could be so opinionated?) and condensed the one long post into two separate posts. The second part of this topic will come tomorrow, or Wednesday.

TWO EXTREMES

I think we view too much of the world in terms of either-or. Maybe it's because I spend so much time trying to see how other people see, or maybe it's just because I know my own struggles that I realize the world contains shades of gray. Not that there isn't black and white. But people are much more complex than those definitions.
The same is true of views on marriage. The loudest voices are the ones on the extreme ends of the spectrum while much of the western world lives somewhere nearer the middle of the scale. So I'm going to present what I've found from feminist viewpoints, and what I've found from people who are living conservatism and traditional marriages.

FEMINISM

The downside to telling people I have feminist leanings is that they a) don't take me seriously/think I'm saying that just to be controversial, or b) think I'm a bra-burning, baby killing femi-nazi.
Well, I definitely wear a bra, I don't kill babies (although I did frequently subject my baby dolls to innumberable unsafe situations) and although I love to debate, controversy's not really my style. I prefer an intelligent exchange of ideas. Dissent is perfectly acceptable. I'd much rather you have a brain and disagree than take me at my word just 'cause.

I have to say, feminists have come a long away from the ‘70’s cry of “Marriage = No Freedom”, although the majority still view marriage as a constricting and confining social institution only to be entered by a woman who can safely get out if she needs to.

Amy Richardson, a semi-famous public figure for the third wave of feminisim says this:

“From an overall societal view marriage does more to benefit women -- just as it does men -- than it does to "harm" them. However, society has valued marriage to the extent that some people stay in marriages that aren't healthy -- and do so, because "not being married" or being "divorced" in this society punishes people -- especially women -- even those for whom divorce is a "life saver."”*

Okay, I can take this. No complaints here.
After all, she does have a point. Women are generally penalized more for not being married than are men, and I don’t see the point of staying in a harmful relationship. Of course, I ought to operationally define my term of “harmful” but that’s not the topic under discussion right now.
It's what she says next that's harder to take. She implies that that marriage is not the essential or only place to raise children or have a family. That I don’t agree with. I think we need the committed relationship that marriage provides, and especially if you’re going to have children, they need to see that their parents care enough to stay together.

She also follows along the same faulty thinking that most feminists hold to; hyper-sexuality.
Meaning I am not a woman if I don't have multiple lovers, I am irresponsible if I don't live with my boyfriend before or if we get married and heaven forbid I take any crap from him at all. They seem to forget that though many women want equal regard that means that if I choose not to have sex before marriage, that’s alright, too. I don’t have to be a sexed up dominatrix to be a real woman. I can be a woman who works full time or part time, I can be a homemaker or a lawyer or a zookeeper. If a woman decides to be a stay at home mom instead of pursuing a career, she’s no less of a woman.
I’m more concerned with the fact that she have the opportunity to choose.
That said, being guided by God is key. Something else feminists often forget.

TRADITIONAL: HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD

Alright, I admit it, I am often a rebel without a cause. With apologies to James Dean, I don't like rules and I really, really don't like being told what to do. Which might be part of the reason I instantly get my hackles raised when someone suggests that a man be head of the household. Because if he's the head that invariably makes me subjugated and (in my eyes) of less worth. Even if that isn't true, it's how I feel. There are many successful couples who live this way even if I can't see myself having a marriage that resembles theirs at all.

And since the divorce rate for Christians is nearly as high as it is for the secular world, I refuse to think that this traditional marriage is the best and only way.

Par my usual, I wanted to get the opinions of some people in this camp. So I started a discussion with some women who proudly declare that their man is the head of the household. Mostly Southern Baptist, although there were some other denominations, both married and unmarried,

gathered at a certain online forum to discuss. I honestly just wanted to know their views on marriage and I got bombarded with comments, questions and even insults (sheesh… and we all think it’s testosterone that makes you crazy). Needless to say, there were some very strong opinions. And after sorting through the crazed replies, I picked some of the more intelligent thoughts to comment upon.

One of the most common lines of thought was this:

“Once you become a wife, adapt yourself to your husband's needs. Adapt your routine, as possible, to his schedule. Pay attention to what matters to him, and concentrate your efforts accordingly.

This means you must first and foremost focus on your husband's needs and priorities."**

But that doesn't seem right to me. Because I think that marriage is a ‘give and take’ more than acquiescing to one person’s wishes all the time. Sure, I want to be an attentive wife. If you love someone you sacrifice for them and care for them. But I want the same from him. I don’t think I’m asking too much.

"Ideally you should have been preparing for marriage while you were single and are now ready to embark on sweet submission to the man who loves and cares for you."

*cough*

I'm in college. And yet, I still see marriage as an option even though I'm not actively "preparing" to get married. And again, the word submission just gets under my skin and itches. If we're talking equal submission, great. If not, I just can't do it.

As we’ve discovered in my sociology class, Christians often speak patriarchy but live something closer to equal regard, anyway. Although, hey, if you want to live patriarchy you’re welcome to it. And I’m not being sarcastic there although I am certainly having a hard time taking that viewpoint seriously.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Obviously this is a tiny fraction of those views, and it's true that I may be biased. If you want to talk to me about what I think I'm totally up for it. Especially since I may not have accurately articulated all that I want to say or believe.

My biggest concern about peoples’ attitudes and marriage is that they have some sort of idealistic plan for what their marriage is going to look like. Or they spend so much time thinking about the courtship days and the wedding that they forget that they have to wake up the day after the wedding and live.

As a wise man told me not so long ago (here I’m paraphrasing) don’t listen to advice that starts with “Marriage is like…”, listen to advice that starts with “My marriage is like…” because you can only know what your relationship is like. People are different, hence they will have different marriages.I think it’s unwise to place dogmatic guidelines for a marriage relationship, or to imply that God only blesses marriages that look, act or feel a certain way. How you operate as a couple is up to you and your spouse (and of course God)

So what I've pretty much decided is that marriage based on equal regard and intimate companionship is what I want. I want a man to love me for who I am now and not who I might be or who he thinks I should be. I want him to be my best friend, to love and support and respect me for the individual that I am. And in return I will support and respect him, be his companion through everything and love him for who he is.

And I will not be focusing my life on preparing to get married. I will be focusing my life on becoming who God wants me to be, which is hopefully a strong, stable and Christ centered woman.

Congratulations if you made it through that entire post!

Much love,

‘Quel

*http://www.feminist.com/askamy/feminism/503_fem8.html
**http://ccostello.blogspot.com/

(the blog of the woman who replied in the forum… the forum is private and can’t be linked)