Ramblings

Being at peace is something I struggle with. Even if I know something has changed for the good, or if I've screwed up royally and asked for forgiveness, I still find it difficult to just be restful.

I think, maybe, possibly, it's because I overthink things.
Might be.

But how the heck does one fathom being forgiven completely? Not only forgiven, but sin forgotten.
Why can't I have that ability?
Maybe it's because if I had the ability to forget what I've done I wouldn't learn anything from my mistakes. But knowing that doesn't make life much easier.
At least not right now.
For someone who likes to be in control and understand things, not understanding the way something works is frustrating.
But really, how foolish and presumptous of me to think that I could ever comprehend the way God works. Doesn't keep me from wishing though.

And maybe, maybe, this whole situation with Tim is just teaching me that sometimes there are no answers. And that I can survive even if I don't get the whole story.
Does make me wonder if I can reach a point where I'm just so bitter that I don't want to invest myself in another person. I already struggle with being real, being who I am, because I've been rejected so often that I start to doubt myself.
Don't get me wrong. I can fake confidence with the best of them. And 87% of the time, I am truly happy with who I am, but still... I don't want to be bitter. I really don't. But the cynic is hard to stifle.
Hanging out with Jen and Hannah tonite was what got me thinking along these lines. We were talking about anything and everything, par the usual, and we got on the subject of things we want to ask God; or things we wonder if we'll get to know
Like, how long eternity really is, whether Adam was hot, and if there wasn't darkness and there wasn't light, then what color was it?
And so I started thinking about how much I feel like I need to know what's going on. But I don't! I really don't! I just need to trust.
Which brings me back around to my ability to trust people, and not just people, but God.
Why is that so hard?

This weekend was semi-productive. Semi because I probably should've worked on more homework than I did. I also need to finish filling out applications for a job since I suddenly, heart stoppingly, just realized that I will have no income after next week. And I have a horse to support.
Aside from the play, the highlight of this weekend was seeing Hannah and getting to hang out with her and Jen. We went to Applebee's and then lounged in the music building and just talked in that way that good friends can. You can just be and be yourself. It was lovely.
I love my girls. :-) They keep me sane and grounded.

Oh. Nearly forgot. The new Taylor Swift CD 'Fearless' is now in my posession! Don't laugh... I usually hate country but she's my guilty pleasure. We all need exceptions, right?Right?
And anyways, it's Jen's fault I love Taylor Swift so much.
Maybe it's because I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and her lyrics are just so simple and sweet.
Alright, I'll stop defending myself to an invisible audience and go listen to 'Love Story' for the billionth time.

Much love,

'Quel